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[14 Jul 2004|12:59am] |
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Ahh, normally I'm mega insecure, but tonight, I'm in a cocky mood. Even without make up on, curly un-straightened hair, and obvious sleep depravation, I'm hot like woah.
( Let's go swimmin'... )
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| What's is real, is believing... |
[13 Jul 2004|06:39am] |
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Fuck my job.
Yesterday, this black woman kept refusing to work, because she 'felt bad.' She's like thirty, and I yelled at her and told her I wasn't going to do her shit for her. Then our manager got mad at her and tried to talk to her about it, and that crazy woman was yelling and cussing at her. Then she tried to make food, and she was like 'No, just clock out already, we'll make it for you. That's the rule.'
...And the crazy woman threw a fit because everyone was going to 'spit in her food.'
I think she needs to be on some meds. Pronto.
I didn't sleep at all before work, so I was a fucking zombie. Some creepy couple tried to get me to buy some energy shit that I took once in 6th grade. This dumb bitch Kendra's mom was trying to sell it to everyone, because it was the end of the year and everyone was worn out from school, so we'd all go home from school and go right to sleep. My mom said when I took it I acted like I was on speed. That stuff tasted like shit. It was supposed to be like this orange koolade stuff, so I mixed it with orange juice, and that made it better, but yeah....
Crazy people.
I came home, and took a brief nap thing for like, an hour, Naythan called I was supposed to see him and Destiny, but when he calls back at NINE PM asking what I want to do, sorry, I've just gotten out of the shower, I'm cold, bed time.
I hate when he does that. Only when it's convienient for him.
So I slept kind of, the Sandlot was on in my room so I was kind of in and out of sleep...and laughing at that movie. Haha. Funn.
So I woke up around three am and I've been awake since then.
Me and my sister just went to McDonalds and got food. I hate my bank. I deposited my check on Saturday, and for some reason, it takes them three days for them to realize I should have money. Ugh. You know, because it's not like I actually NEED money or anything. /sarcasm
I don't work again until Saturday, because once again, it's not like I actually NEED money.
Man, ok. I hate when I don't know the names of songs. Like, there's this song that I heard at Naythan's house before, one of those weird people he likes to listen to...but anyways, we fell asleep with it on all night and I wanna hear it, but life sucks.
I hope I can stay the night with him this weekend. <3 That'd be nice.
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| LMFAO |
[10 Jul 2004|04:59am] |
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[08 Jul 2004|11:37am] |
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I hate to go to work in half an hour.
It's going to fucking suck today.
I don't want to go. I'm exhausted. I know that after I talk to Naythan, I'll be able to sleep...but right now, that's really far away.
He was talking about coming up to my work today. If he does that, I'll lose it.
The last thing I need right now is to be around a bunch of dumb shits during everyone's lunch break.
I'm going to cry. I know it. That's why I'm not even wearing make up today.
I hate that. When you are upset and you have to pretend to be ok. For a while it's easy, until all of a sudden you realize you just want to be at home in bed crying.
I used to do that at school, then I stopped giving a shit. I cried so much at school last year. I'd just put my head down, zone everyone out because they don't matter, and go at it.
God, and I know if I fuck up today and someone tells me or something, I'm gonna cry. Fuck me for giving a shit.
My mom is in bed right now. She doesn't have a job. She has nothing to worry about.
But you know, I do and stuff.
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[08 Jul 2004|01:36am] |
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I feel like fucking shit. I just shoveld tons of food into my mouth. I think I might explode.
Last night I wanted to talk to Naythan about some things. I got really excited because he said he was gonna be online in thirty minutes.
I waited for eight hours. He never got online.
I was really upset, just because I thought I'd get to talk to him. =\ I know he got called into work and all, but a call to me would have been nice. I hate worrying about that boy.
I saw him today, but I didn't want to try and talk to him then, because we saw King Arthur, and I wanted to have a good time.
I was sad. I kept crying, so I'd have to like, put my hoodie on to cover my face up until I could stop.
I started crying when we were in my car.
I know what's been going on with me.
I'm like...always angry. With everything. I'm lonely too. I'd like it if I had a group of friends that wouldn't leave me in a heartbeat to go get high. That happens all the time.
I mean, I don't give a shit what they do, it's their business. But when we are in the middle of a conversation, or something, and they just up and leave to go smoke a bowl, that's upsetting. Like they don't care enough.
I just wish I knew people that didn't do that.
That was what I was thinking about before. I know that a lot of the time I let people do what they want to me...like it doesn't matter.
Some of the things that happened, the stuff I could have prevented or stopped, the stuff that I didn't do. Things could be really different now. I could be different.
I wish I'd done some things differently.
I know I'm a good person. I'd like to think I deserve to be treated a little bit better. I dunno.
Anyways. We saw King Arthur tonight. God, that movie was great. I want to see it again.
He mentioned that we didn't have a song. I have a bunch of songs that remind me of him.
I think that evenstar song from lord of the rings is the best one. He mentioned that one, too.
Damnit. I want to watch Return of the King now. And I DON'T have it yet. Fuckkkkk.
I'm gonna go.
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[05 Jul 2004|12:26am] |
Ok, first of all, I'm going to say this, because I'm no where close to being in the mood for an argument or something.
Roxy-I didn't mean to offend you. The reason I was talking about my friend that moved away, was because the things that I have been thinking about and stuff that's going on now, concerns her, and me, and things we used to do. You can't understand how it is, because you weren't there and don't know about stuff that happend. Sorry if I upset you, it wasn't my intention.
I didn't do anything really today. Everything that I wanted to happen got messed up. ::SIGH::
I talked to Naythan this morning. He was talking about when we get a house one day, how he's gonna build it and stuff. He's gonna teach martial arts and have a shop in the front, with our house in the back, and we're gonna breed dogs and I'll have my job doing whatever I decide (LOL, I need to start deciding) and I'll sell my art stuffs. It was nice that we can talk about that, and I like how we can agree on things.
Ooooh. I'm so gonna get a truck as soon as I can. Probably when I get out of highschool, I'm gonna get a black truck and get a nice stereo system in it and get pink flames painted on it. LOL.
I'm getting sick of my car. It has no room and gets scratched under the bumper from driving into a driveway because it's so low. Ugh. Trucks don't have those problems.
Anyways, I have nothing else to say.
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| 1. It's in your head. 2. It's what you think about. |
[03 Jul 2004|02:47am] |
Alright, so I have been thinking a lot lately.
Well, I haven't been sleeping, so a lot thinking has been going on.
I just really don't want to sleep. I'm kind of afraid to. The last time I actually slept a few hours, I had horrible dreams. Dreams about things that have happened to me in the past, and about how they could happen again.
And I've been thinking a lot about it. It's a bunch of stuff that no one knows about. Atleast I can stop thinking about it if I want, but if I'm dreaming, I can't.
I'll wake up and just sit there. I've been crying a lot lately. I make a big deal out of something stupid. I'm really cranky and I keep saying mean things to people that I should NEVER say. I'm afraid. I keep getting startled by really stupid things...but it really scares me. I feel like there is someone always behind me, watching me. I just want to curl up into a ball in my closet where no one can find me.
Maybe I'm not sleeping to make up for something else. I found this bloody rag in my drawer today. I held it in my hand for a really long time. I was looking for a shirt and I found some box and a razor fell out of it and landed by my foot. I just stared at it...I didn't know what to do. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away and cry. I think it's still there. I don't think I did anything with it.
I miss that felling. That feeling of control.
I can't control anything now.
I'm fucking scared to death of people. I know how things used to be, and how people used me and took serious advantage of me. I didn't do anything about it.
I feel kind of numb to a lot of things now. It's weird. To some things I'm really sensetive, but to others it just doesn't really seem real.
I just wish I had something to do. I want to go walk around and see what mess I can get into. I used to be really good at that. Sticking my nose in where it didn't belong.
I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to keep up with myself. I'm afraid I'm going to give in.
I'm afraid that I'm going to do something stupid and fuck everything up.
Like Excedrin. Right now, that would be fucking grand if I had a bottle of it. No sleep and no worries for a few days, until I'd need another bottle.
But I can't. I'm not like that. I'm better than that. I am.
I don't think I can keep this up. I can't do it alone, but I have no one to help me.
I don't have that one friend anymore. That one friend that had the same problems as me. The friend who's house I'd go to when my parents were drunk and stupid, and her grandparents were drunk and stupid. When we'd go out and find people that made us feel wanted.
Nothing mattered then.
She's long gone. She could be dead right now. I haven't been there to look out for her, and she hasn't been here to look out for me.
She's not here...and no one else understands what I'm doing.
No one. Only she could, because she'd be doing the same thing. And now I'm doing it alone.
I know that I have people to talk to, but they haven't had the same things happen to them.
I can't be this way and be alone. But I can't ask for help because no one can help me.
I just don't know. I don't know what to do.
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| Thank you. |
[02 Jul 2004|03:18am] |
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It will never go away.
It's always going to be in my head, reminding me that I'm not good enough.
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[02 Jul 2004|01:13am] |
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I worked today....ahh, it's been a while. South Cooper is a lot bigger, there is so much fucking room in that place, and the people were really nice. They were all older than me, so that was kind of weird...and a few guys were hitting on me, that was creepy, with one of them being like, thirty...eh, but I had a nice night. Murriel was in shock when I got there, LOL. I'm glad I'm working with him still.
I hope my fucking modem comes in the mail tomorrow. This dial up that disconnects every five minutes for no reason is not working at all.
I hope I still get to see Naythan tomorrow. I have't talked to him today. :( I hope he's not drinking.
So I haven't been sleeping. I guess it's bad..oh well.
I think we are practicing tomorrow, which is good. Blue dress needs work.
Last night was a bad night. I started thinking about really bad things....I just hope I'm strong enough to not give in.
I'm gonna re-pierce my nostril. Yes, I miss that shiny speck on my nose.
God, I used to be so cute when I had my oi. I loved my purple spiky mess of hair I had. Good times.
Nothing to do....
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[01 Jul 2004|04:11am] |
First, because I can, ( Naythan. )
So I slept for an hour. I probably won't sleep again until after I work tomorrow. Haha.
I don't wanna go to work. I've been off for almost two weeks....pffft.
I really hate tv. There is nothing on.
There is no one online either. And everyone is asleep....so I can't call anyone even if I wanted to.
My mom is watching a spanish talk show...uhh, and she doesn't speak spanish.
I'm gonna go play guitar.
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[30 Jun 2004|11:27pm] |
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If I died today, I'd like to think that fifteen hundred people would come to my funeral, to 'pay their last respect'.
However, that wouldn't happen. That kind of bugs me. Oh well.
I'm actually starting to get used to the fact that no one really likes me. It's kind of comforting. I think I'm doing pretty well with the way things are.
Of course, when I'm alone, like I am right now, I start thinking, and that's usually bad.
I wish I could call Naythan right now, but he's at a movie with that stupid guy that I hate. I wanted to shove a fork through his ear today, just because he was talking to Naythan. I sound so bad. I don't even know the guy, but everytime I've heard him talk he's made me want to injure myself. He's that stupid. And he's a bad influence on Naythan, but he won't listen to me. Nope. Because 'I don't need to talk about it...' and all this bs.
I think I should work on giving people a chance, then I can have a better reason to hate them afterward...
God, I love tool. I haven't listened to them in a while...good times. I remember how I'd lay on my floor and listen to them for hours and hours just thinking about stuff...
It's really starting to sink in now how my life is going to be. I'm really happy that this is happening...because it's really important to me that I know what I need to do to have what I want.
All I have ever wanted was to go to college and have a job that I'd enjoy doing, so that I could have a family, and there wouldn't be problems with money. I want to have kids and be a good parent to them...of course, that will be later on after college and what not. But it's still nice to think about.
Heh, Naythan and I talked about making babies today. It was cute. =P We hung out and stuff. His ceiling leaked on his bed and it smelled really icky. EWEEEE.
I think he should take me to a movie on Friday night. Hehehe. <3
I feel like a zombie on crack. I really should sleep...
But I need to draw a picture of that pointy man that was taking off his head last night. Ahh, the hallucinations that come along with not sleeping. Guaranteed to scare you so much you pee your pants.
I really want to watch the Crow. Because I have yet to see that movie all the way through...hmm. Weird, yo.
I start working again tomorrow. I got re-located to South Cooper, and Murriel my assistant manager from Pantego is starting back there tomorrow too! That seriously made my day when I found out.
I'm gay. I'm gonna write more later. Right now, I feel like taking a bath with that headless old man.
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[29 Jun 2004|02:05am] |
I fucking hate my mother. She's drunk, and she just got home. She left at nine this morning and just got home.
My dad is going out of town after the first of the month, so that means I can do whatever the fuck I want. Thank god.
That means no curfew, and spending the night with Naythan.
( Naythan stuffs. )
Back to reality.
My mom only tried to talk to me when she's drunk. She's talking about pizza....? Ugh.
I can't sleep. Nooope.
Fuck me hard.
Fuck insomnia.
I need a teddy bear. I want Naythan to get me one. :-D Then I can cuddle with it when he's not around. Hehehe.
Blah. I have nothing interesting to write about. I'm a losa.
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[28 Jun 2004|11:02pm] |
I really do think I'm going insane.
I haven't slept more than an hour a day for the past three days.
I'll lay down and just look at the ceiling and the walls, then I start thinking about shit and before I know it, six hours have passed.
I need coffee.
Fuck it. I'll just never sleep.
I'm gonna sit here, and listen to white zombie, and try to keep myself entertained.
I feel like shit. I look like it too.
This morning sucked. My hour of sleep was interrupted by my whole family arguing at six in the fucking morning.
I was upset. I got online, and Naythan was on. Shocking, yes...indeed. It was really great that he was online, just because I needed to talk to someone, and I'd prefer it to be him...and he was there. I love him. :) I want EVERYONE to know that.
I'm going to be cliche', because this song reminds me of him.
( Broken )
I wish I had a song like that. I wish I could write. I wish I could sing. :(
::cough::
I want to play kingdom hearts, damn it. I can't fucking find it, or half of my other games.
I still wanna play Donkey Kong country too.
And Diddy Kong racing. <3
I think we are having practice tomorrow. Let's hope I don't die tonight.
My modem got blown up by a shitty rain storm on Friday night. 3-5 business days until I get a new one. Gay.
I need coffee. Loaded with milk, sugar and chocolate. Mmm.
I'll probably write more in here later.
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| Mother Fucker. |
[27 Jun 2004|02:27am] |
I am tired. I have been awake for maybe six hours, and I'm tired? I slept for 75% of one whole day, and I'm already tired.
Something is wrong.
I'm still freezing, and I put on a hoodie and pants and socks. It has to be like, sixty degrees atleast in here and I'm cold.
I hate being fucked up.
I keep picking at my skin and biting it off of my fingers. I'm gross.
Hi, I'm Sara. I'm crazy, I think I'm fat, I hate everyone and you are all out to get me.
K, thanks, bye.
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[27 Jun 2004|12:00am] |
Fuck everyone because I am still in a bad mood.
I slept for eighteen god awful hours today, and got nothing out of it, except a few dreams about what will happen later tonight. Now, I wait for these things to happen.
I wish my dreams had some sort of a date/time stamp on them so I'd know when something gonna happen.
So I have been sitting here on this gay piece of crap internet connection because I still don't know what is wrong with my modem, listening to Skid Row. Ahh, the memories. Sebastian Bach was such a gorgeous man back then. Mmm.
It's really cold in my house. I'm SHIVERING I'm so cold. Maybe I'm sick?
God, I really hate people. I can sit here and listen to all of the people that think I am their friend bitch and complain about every ounce of shit in their lives, on the phone, or on aim, or in person. And I actually offer advice. Why? Oh, that's right. Because my brain isn't completely dissolved from drug use.
Dare kids. Remember DARE? DRUG ABUSE RESISTANCE EDUCATION? Am I the only motherfucker that that shit had ANY kind of effect on?
I think so.
The second that I finally feel like I need some advice (Like the fact that oh um...let's see, my heart was beating 10000 times a minute and I thought I was going to die) my actual FRIENDS will talk to me for a minute or so, then leave. 'Oh, I have to go now. I have plans....BUT I'LL BE SURE TO TALK TO LATER IF YOU STILL NEED ME.'
In other words 'I have better things to do than to listen to you, Sara. Just ignore your shit until I feel like being a friend, which will be never because I have everything I want and don't have to care about anything like you do.'
Mmm. I hate caring about my life.
I'm a fucking loser. I've been reading books because I feel bad for not being in school, becuase it's freaking summer.
'Sara, why is it when you are online you always have an away message up?'
Because I hate you. I hate talking over aim because no one knows the true value of grammar. I hate reading words that are spelled with z's rather than s's and yeah, that gets on my nerves.
Fuck you all.
I think this is going to evolve into a bad weekend. ::nods::
I'm starting to make myself laugh a bit. I keep changing my away message, I wonder if anyone really cares what it says.
Random quote from some shithead at dreamworld that doesn't know me:"Who's that?'
"Oh that's Sara. Yeah, she's like this stuck up bitch that doesn't do drugs or anything and preaches to everyone all the time."
My ass, ok. My fucking ass. Please die of a cocaine overdose, so when everyone that cares gets sad, I can laugh at you and not feel bad about it.
I think I'm a little bit off today. Just a tad.
God, can't you people see that I'm AWAY? Bah. I don't IM people that are away, because of the simple fact that they are away. @#*(R$@#()*RU)@ *(@$r@#jr()!#*$~~!!!
It's only like, one am. I have to sleep sometime. I have to, or atleast I was planning on seeing my love in the morning.
Let's hope for the best. He might have a hangover or might have fucked someone else last night!
Good going, Sara. ::Pats self on back:: You know EXACTLY how unnecessary that was.
Wow, It's been a long time since a song has made me cry. I'm listening to Smashing Pumpkins, and I'm sapping out.
My hair is starting to stand up because I'm really cold now. My hair is wet and I'm shivering more. My teeth are starting to chatter. Hahah. This is great.
I love being alive. I hate so many people, but I think I'm such a great person. I'm have quite a life ahead of me.
College. Yes, college. Lots of artsy fucks. Finally, people that I can get along with.
No more mom and dad fucking my shit up.
'No, Sara. I can't trust you to go to a concert alone.'
Thanks mom. Becuase I'm the one that got arrested for DWI's right?
What's on my record? Oh, nothing. Hmm.
Who makes honor role? Me.
I can not wait. I'm scared to death of being pretty much on my own, but I know that's what I'm working for.
I changed my whole graduation plan at the last minute. The next two years are going to be so hard, but so worth it. Hopefully I can get my GPA up and get some scholarships or grants for college.
If I don't go to college I'll kill myself. Seriously. Signed in blood.
I think I will go draw.
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[21 Dec 2003|12:34am] |
My knives Naythan got me, my guitar, a painting and my cats.
( clicky )
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koolade's journal
